Unpacking my Social Anxiety

As I cozied into the buttery soft leather booth relishing in girl’s night out, I uttered “I consider myself an introvert."

You could have heard a pin drop as silence washed over the table. I saw three beautiful women stare at me in both bewilderment and confusion . The blunt one paused, carefully planning her next words, and finally responded, “Taylor, I would not ever consider you an introvert”.

And as I’ve replayed the entire evening (and my life), that small conversation gave me a brand new perspective, especially from an outsiders looking in.

For much of my adult life, I considered myself an introvert. Although I have the knack for turning on my charm, the thought of a planned activity instantly brings a flood of anxiety. Various negative thoughts and notions start pouring into my brain, and I begin the long and arduous self doubt process.

Will I say the wrong thing? I always say something stupid off the cuff. Will I share too much? I can’t stop myself sometimes. Will they hate me? I really hope they don’t hate me.  Will they think I am stupid? I swear I am smart, but I always make a stupid comment.  Will they notice I gained weight? I literally cannot stop eating sweet treats while I watch American Greed. Can they tell I picked the wrong outfits? I really tried, I even put on Spanx. Like this is effort.

Is it just me who overthink every single word, expression, or interaction after a social outing? In my head, I conduct my own parent teacher conference with a report card generated at the end. I hit all the good points, then hyper focus on each bad line item. Just me? So, although I have always considered myself social and outgoing, the waves of self doubt cresting over me, have convinced me that I am but a little wallflower, flailing in the wind.

I told the above wallflower analogy to the blunt friend as I was unpacking the conversations. She graciously told me (Love ya, Mel):

• I am happy you have friends to call you out on your bullshit.

• I would never in any world say you were a wallflower.

The fabulous thing about true girlfriends is that they do not let you stay in that place. They do not let the waves of self doubt crash on you, rather they rescue before the wave crest. They hug you, shake you violenty, tell you to snap out of it, and remind you that although your feelings are valid, they might be off-base. True friends give you the validation you wanted of being heard, while also being honest about the facts. The lie detector said that was a lie.

As I've become a mother, trying to navigate this new role, the negative thoughts come easily and naturally. For years, my light dimmed as I worked at finding my place in the new working mother terrain. But, just like Stella, I'm getting my groove back. Each day, my laugh gets bigger, my jokes funnier, and my heart happier. Each day, I see my candle burning bigger and brighter, and I am learning to get over the small stuff, the stupid people, and the social anxiety.

As Carrie Bradshaw once said: "“I'd rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea”.

It took me a REALLY long time to get this. Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is laugh until they cry with you, and not everyone is going to hold your hair while you puke (Love you, Vicky B + Brooke-o). But for the ones that will-- call them out on their bullshit, love them, keep them, and cherish the fact that you have known the joy of real, true friendship. Even Nicole Richie said "true friends are like diamonds-- bright, beautiful, valuable, and always in style.

XO Tay