Reflecting on Depression

I am not sure who needs to hear this, but it is ok to not be ok. I feel that it might be time to delve into the taboo topic of depression.

When you enter into child bearing age, especially once you are married, people begin inquiring when will you reproduce, how many times, will you get an epidural or go natural, will you continue to work, will you opt for daycare or nanny, will you give your unconceived child cheetos? You name it, they ask it. When you get pregnant, people remind you to enjoy this time as you will never sleep again. They might also note that you might never go on fun vacation again. You know what people forget to say? This baby who gives you so much joy and happiness, will rock your world in much different ways than solely lack of sleep.

For the last three years, I have struggled. It began during apocoloyptic COVID, remained during pregnancy, and extended until very recently. I went to doctors, therapist, and the likes. I got diagnosed with anxiety then ADHD. I tried excercise, dabbled with medications. They helped, but the real cure was simply time. Time to re-discover myself and carve out a space for the new me. To be frank, you will never be that person you were pre-baby. It is impossible. Your body is different, your priorities have changed, and your heart grew.

If you are a mom, you know that motherhood is equal parts joy and struggle. But unlike other things, motherhood struggles are so easily cleared away by a sloppy kiss, an impromptu hug, or the words “love you”. Yet, it doesn’t make the hard parts easier, rather we learn to pave a way forward with less sleep, sore arms, and full hearts.

I realized as I cooked breakfast several weekends ago, that I had been depressed for likely a few years. Not severe, but depressed none the less. At the time in my head, it was simply an anxious, worried brain coupled with inability to focus. With hindsight, it also showed up in inability to do things I previously loved, like cooking, cleaning, and reading. I was too tired, too stressed, too overwhelmed to take the step to do any of it. I once told me therapist it sometimes felt like quicksand where I couldn’t move to the next thing. But now, as I feel an abundance of joy, happiness, and creativity pulsing in my veins, I can see myself returning. I am now returning to cooking breakfast and dinner on the weekends, realizing how much joy it brings me to feed my family. I am delving in reading again after strictly listening to audio books and podcasts for months, knowing it is one of my favorite pasttimes and stress relievers. I am running (really walking) again with a dear friend, understanding that exercise and girl talk warms my soul. All of these things felt hard before, but not as much anymore.

With the ability of looking at the past with more clarity, I realize that depression began to engulf me when things started to get out of control (read COVID, pregnancy, motherhood). I have come to realize that since parts of your childhood were out of control, I crave (read need) control and structure. Yet a pandemic, growing a baby, and raising a kid are just about the most uncontrollable things that one can face.

For me, I know I’ll never be the same person I was pre all of these things, nor do I want to be. I have dealt with my past, lost friendships, gained others, and curated a tribe. I have 10 extra pounds, more cellulite, but more importantly more smile lines. I also built this little community on the internet that lets my share my struggles. I hope that each readers simply hears that they aren’t alone, and all of these things, feelings, and struggles are normal.

I owe it all to my Mom, my aunt, my grandma, and girlfriends who listened and share their own struggles. They pick up the call, shoot me a text, or Facetime when I need them, even if it is just to occupy my child for 5 minutes. Sharing the struggles ands speakign it aloud gives new perspective, and sometimes the response helps you put together the puzzle pieces. I laughed and cried with my tribe, but mostly importantly, I got through. It is so easy to see the highlights on Instagram and assume everything is peachy, but no one and no life is perfect, depsite what optics tell us.

XO

Tay